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GOP Moves to Defund Planned Parenthood: Hello Unplanned Parenthood

If the GOP favors defunding Planned Parenthood, does that mean that really, they will fund “Un-Planned Parenthood”?  I would think it does.  If you disfavor Planned Parenthood, that would indicate that you favor what Planned Parenthood is not, which would be, Unplanned Parenthood.  And what a great idea!  The foreskin, I mean foresight (ha! ha!) of the “Trump-eters” of social progress strikes again!

Think about it. With funding of Unplanned Parenthood, we can take a swipe at cutting off the hand that is reaching out for yet another government handout.  Since Planned Parenthood serves, in many instances, low-income patients for reproductive health and things like cancer screenings and sexually transmitted diseases screenings and treatment, it keeps those poor people from being so greedy!  I’m sorry folks, but you have to have a billion dollars to have the right to be greedy.

My goodness, what do they want, these poor people—affordable health care? Come on.  Way to go Paul Ryan.  Way to sock it to the low-income folks.  Their greed is nauseating as is their reliance on such wasteful organizations like Planned Parenthood that exist only to help those who may not be able to afford a normal, privatized, well-funded clinic in the suburbs.

To fund Unplanned Parenthood also helps to reverse this whole trend toward handing out contraceptives free to people.  Two things here:

One, to be given contraceptives, like rubbers (I’ve seen them, they even have them in multi-colors down there—what is it, a sex shop?) for free is un-American.  We don’t do free here in America.  If we are going to stay a free country we are not about to actually give things away for free.  You are not free if you get things for free.  It is very important that the poor people understand this.  If you want to be free in this country you have to buy it like everyone else.

Two, to give out free contraception and free advice about sex does exactly the opposite of what Planned Parenthood brags that it does: it promotes unplanned babies because it is like saying, here’s a rubber (a purple one even), now go out and have some sex. This is why Paul Ryan is so smart.  He sees right through the deception of Planned Parenthood and sees it for what it really is: a nest of nasty feminists who want to fertilize the young people so that they breed more feminists.

And let’s not tip-toe around the abortion issue.  If an abortion is going to happen, I don’t want to hear about it; I don’t want to know about it.  Funding for Un-planned parenthood would certainly put abortion back where it is supposed to be: out of sight and out of mind.  I mean, if you have money, you’d always be able to get one done discretely anyway.  If you’re poor, you shouldn’t be planning on being a parent anyway.

What we want to promote at Unplanned Parenthood is that unwanted people in the country shouldn’t be planning on having children at all.  All that Planned Parenthood does is give low income people the impression that they too have the right for low-cost health care, which is ridiculous because if you make health care affordable for low-income people then all those incredibly great insurance companies won’t make half as much money and they will have to lay off a bunch of workers.  Thank God someone like Trump will be able to save 150 or so insurance company jobs by persuading one of them, like the Ford or Carrier Insurance Company, not to send their insurance agents to Mexico.

And lastly, let us fund Unplanned Parenthood, because, really, Planned Parenthood just takes all the fun out of having babies in the first place. And besides, planning families is something God should do, not the US government. I hate it when government is responsible. That’s not its place, for crying out loud.

So thank you Paul Ryan and other GOP members for being so fore-skinned, I mean, foresighted (ha! ha! again) for defunding Planned Parenthood.  It’s got to go.  I mean, what do you do if you have a hornet’s nest? You spray it with insecticide.  Defunding Planned Parenthood is like applying insecticide to that nest of nasty feminist women and all those crazy doctors and nurses who believe in something as Canadian as socialized medicine.  That is so not the American way.

In conclusion, so as not to be un-American, let’s fund “Un-Planned Parenthood” to add one more way to make America great again, back to a time when a man was a man and a woman was a woman, marriage was between the two of them, and “planned parenthood” meant, “Another martini, my darling?”  Thank you.

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