God Talks to Scott Walker: Now That’s a Conversation I’d Like to Overhear
According to the exceedingly long Journal Sentinel article (Friday, April 24, 2015) about Scott Walker’s faith and its influence on all aspects of his life, “God speaks to him [Walker] directly or through a daily devotion.”
Evidently, there’s little difference between the two communication forms. God does work in mysterious ways, after all. Among other things, Walker has mentioned that Jesus helped choose his wife and God taught him the lesson of humility on the morning of the day he took that chummy phone call from the David Koch imitator. God’s got good timing.
So it got me to thinking, I wondered what one of those conversations with God would sound like. Before trying to imagine one, I have to say that I for one have renewed confidence in the governor. I mean, not only does he have both houses of the Wisconsin Assembly to help him out, he’s got God. A direct line. And evidently, the real God, the only God there really is, the one God that reserves spiritual salvation only for those who sign up with the real religion. That’s some political capital.
So imagine, a quiet place, like a kitchen nook, flooded with morning sunlight, warm and cheery, the governor having breakfast and having his daily conversation with the Big Guy and a cup of Folgers, steaming.
And God said to Scott . . .
God: I’m calling you today to go forth, Scott, and skewer some Democrats, roast their little hides, for their own good Scott. I created this world for us, for people like us, Scott, well, I’m not quite ‘people,’ but you know what I mean. The right people. That’s right, Scott, the right kind of people. A lot of these people these days just aren’t right, they’re not what I intended. So Scott, I’m calling on you to do something about these people who aren’t like you and . . . oh, ha ha there I go again, I mean, aren’t like you, the right people. Scott, I want you to take care of those people who are not the right type. You know who I’m talking about. And I don’t mean ‘take care’ in the sense of actually taking care of them, I mean take care of them. Get em out of the way. Keep em on the sidelines.
Scott: I’m feeling you, Lord. I will take it to the bank . . . I mean to the Assembly right away. I’ll see that my disciples continue with the design.
God: Now don’t go getting ahead of yourself, yet, Scott. You’re only just governor still, you’re not, well you know, you’re not President, yet.
Scott: Are you saying what I think you’re saying?
God: I think I am.
Scott: Wow. I humbly thank you.
God: Always play the humble card.
Scott: Keep getting my picture taken while I’m praying?
God: Yeah, things like that.
Scott: So, what should I do exactly?
God: Well, for starters, cut funding to Planned Parenthood. That’s just a nest of angry women. Those women get to thinking they have too much power. Can’t have that. Planned Parenthood has nothing to do with the Grand Plan. Blasphemous, really. And also, while you’re at it, make sure to cut down on your investments into education. Just keep cutting away at the little weasels that all want knowledge! Cannot have that. That of course is what got ya’ll into trouble in the first place, now didn’t it.
Scott: Damn right.
God: And never forget that the word “public” means “communist,” which means totalitarian, which means, dictator, which means Stalin.
Scott: So I did good on the unions?
God: It was great. Best move you’ve made. It made your name. Scott Walker. Union Buster. The devil’s in the unions. You can use that in your campaign.
Scott: What about guns?
God: Make sure people can get their hands on as many of them as possible, and make sure they can get them as soon as possible.
Scott: Get rid of waiting periods all together?
God: Hell yes.
Scott: What about the Gays?
God: Never let em out of your sight. Don’t ever trust a Gay.
Scott: So no gay marriage?
God: Is there global warming?
Scott: Ha! Ha! Of course not!
God: Well, there you go.
Scott: It sounds pretty simple. I think I can do this. Any good devotional wisdom today that I can take with me when I go get my picture taken while praying somewhere and that I can carry to the right people, the chosen ones who still understand that if you take God out of America you’ve got Communism?
God: I’d say this: Go forth and liberate the right people. (Wink.) And I was never really here. Understand? (A nod)
Scott: Totally psyched now. I got God. I got Jesus. I got Koch. I can do this. Just watch me. Let us pray.